Hostage To My Captor

2020-03-20

Stockholm Syndrome, that condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity. I believe I have developed the mental health equivalent with my captor, PTSD/Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

Is it strange of me that I get somewhat overprotective of my PTSD/MDD as if it’s something I cherish like a close and long lasting childhood friendship? Is it strange of me that there are times I don’t want to recover from it, and there are times that the thought of recovery scares me? I have to wonder if there have been times I have unconsciously sabotaged my efforts at recovery or held back, even the slightest, at giving it my all towards recovery.

I have had PTSD/MDD for so long that it has become part of who I am, it is part of me, it has defined and been the reason why I have done some of the things I have done, and why I have some of the behaviours I have. It has been my captor and held me hostage taking away from me my sense of safety, of calmness and freedom of thought replacing those with fear of the past, anxiety about the future and the ever present cognitive distortions.

My PTSD/MDD has become as much part of who I am as my genetics have made me a male, given me blue eyes and brown hair and made me grow to 6 feet in height. My PTSD/MDD is no different then the many scars I have accumulated over a life well lived and wraps and encapsulate my very essence no different then my very own skin. My PTSD/MDD is me!

Why is it that I feel this way about something that has been so problematic for me, something that has lead me to dark places and has added so many challenges, pain and self-doubt to my life. It can only be because I have developed some strange hard to understand and comprehend allegiance with the captor holding me hostage, my PTSD/MDD. I look forward to the day when my captor, my PTSD/MDD no longer has domain over me!